Lost in Thoughts: My State of Mind, & the Melody of my Heart

I'm struggling to find the right words, but I want to write something. 

Sometimes, I want to escape to a place far from humans. What did I get from connecting with people? The ones I held dear left me alone. I cared for them deeply, sacrificing everything. But what did I got in return? Who was there for me? Did they ever think of my feelings? I'm talking about the two girls I loved. One didn't do anything for me. But the other moved on, thinking I would moved too. It was so surprising and dramatic, one of my girl's family said this guy is not good muslim & good man and the 2nd girl's family said this guy is muslim so how u can marry muslim man? With one I spent 5-6 years & with another about 3 years.

Can life really be reset so easily? It stuns me how easily people move on. My queen thought I'll move on too, but she was wrong. I stayed single, may be i was loving her more than she loved me. 

I ask myself a question, what did I ger? Just uncertainty, stress, sadness and exhaustion? 

And then the new chapter of my life begun. many came, taking advantage of my vulnerability. They played with my emotions, feelings, i let them do it with a smiling face. And the same time I waited for my stupid queen with a hope, for years. Then, one day I found out she got married 😀 ohhh goodness. 

Now what was I supposed to do? What choice I was left with? To move on? I couldn't, because i felt like God is taking some revenge it was hard to belive in humans, even if would belive in humans i was afraid of God. It took me the situation when I felt anger, & burning inside, yes by face I was always smiling but i had a worst feelings inside and anger. 

So, I sought solace in shallow connections, one after another, searching for comfort. Love and relationships became distant dreams, replaced by fake smiles hiding my broken heart, even I was use to it, I wasn't feeling anything, there was a time when for me no one matters but myself 🥰. I turned into someone I didn't recognize— and i was labled a playboy, feeling less man because i was jumping from one to another. What i could too else? I felt empty inside, i had no feelings for anyone because i had no trust in humans not in God. But I keep going, guarding my heart from humans. There was a time when after years I decided to trust someone even she was the one who loved me and seek for love? Pushed me into love. When I open my heart her family did the same, although it was just a month or 2 but It surprised me. But that doesn't affect me because I was use too and I had no such strong hopes. 

My innocence has been tainted by their cruelty. nothing matters for me i just do everything for fun and this story is continuing from 1 to another to another and now I am ok with everything, nothing can affect Me.

The most interesting thing is the statements i hear about myself from people. Like; 

When I mention that I don’t drink or smoke, some assume I'm boring or overly religious 😴. 

If I express disinterest in religious topics, I'm labeled as a secular disbeliever.

When it comes to girls; and if i say that I'm not seeking relationships but only dating & casual stuff, then they label me as a spoiled man playboy 😂.  

If I express my desire for a wife gf relationship etc, they question my trustworthiness 😄. And start asking, am I the only girl you're approaching? And Why are you still single etc?

So, judge me how you want, because i don't care and no one matters for me.

And now another chapter of my life is finished without a conclusion or ending. My heart wanted to live in Gdansk and i did everything to fulfilled.

Finally, i would say I've lived my life, just one of my desires, and the last one remaining is to earn the title of doctor. Besides, I'm done with everything, no desires, no goals, no wishes left. I've lived my life far better than I expected, I fulfilled my dreams and my desires, and I'm done with this life. Everything coming will be bonuses for me😀. We humans are greedy. We never say enough, and we always want more, but we never realize the fact, the fact is Life is nothing but a story of us, an incomplete story forever. We can never conclude this story never ever. I just keep things simple 🤗. 

It's 1:10 AM (midnight), Thursday, April 4, 2024"